serious

am i taken seriously. coz i feel im not.
am i influenced by the play a doll's house?
im being sceptical, yes.
why am i feeling this?
WHY?
your words just proves it all.
yes, it still plays in my mind. over, and over again.
and its painful when im in vain and in love.
yes, not a second pass without missing you,
and it comes with a shot of pain, each and single one.
.
am i taken seriously?
why aren't you there when i need you.
I feel like a speck, a little teeny weeny speck,
why cant you at least be there when im in need of you?
im being selfish, yes. im feeling scornful.
why, cant i?
i feel like running away, yet i would be running on thorns.
help me.
.
i love you but i feel disdained at the same time.
tell im wrong.
and i would try to believe.
.

dari ayong yg tercinta.

Yang suka sepah2, kamu la tu

Yang tak suka mengemas, kamu la tu

Yang unorganized, kamu jugak kot?

Yang x jaga barang sangat, kamu la tu

Yang suka tinggi suara, kamu la tu

Yang suka gelak kuat, kamu la tu

Yang penyabar, kamu jugak

Yang suka masak untuk kami, kamu jugak

Yang selalu ada saat diperlukan, kamu jugak

Yang sanggup bersusah untuk kami, kamu jugak

Yang bijak, kamu jugak

Yang langsung tak berkira, kamu jugak

Yang selalu bersangka baik, kamu jugak

Yang selalu meneutralizekan pandangan, kamu jugak

Yang selalu menenangkan, kamu jugak

Yang sedia untuk berubah, kamu jugak

Yang lembut dalam kasar, kamu jugak!

Sahabat, moga kamu istiqamah dalam yang baik, dan ubah yang kurang baik. Oh doakan eden jugak!

horror

horror An intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust.she is.
DrM.
just the thought of her makes the stomach grumble.ops. that is me being hungry.
ok. just the thought of her makes the mind utterly unmanageable. and the uneasy feeling just creeps all over the body! gosh.
intimidated. frightened. silent. thats me when im in her class. gosh.
last friday was the day of horror and relief.
we presented in front of her.
yep. we did.
technically, bella and ayong did.
i just sat beside and click on the slide.
i did.and i can see my hands trembling. ha ha. duduk je kott.
and there i was.
the funny thing is, her respond was quite positive.its not funny. its a miracle!
 i mean, she didnt actually said 'good' (like hell she would!)
but she just commented on one part of the presentation.and its a building comment.
and so we just nodded. and after seeing the other 3 groups presenting and some arguing, i can say thats the best thing we did.
and i can say it was quite successful. yep. alhamdulillah. dah lepas! yippee~
now, the report. :)

fahamlah wahai diri.

tatkala menyusuri hidup untuk menjadi yang terbaik,
menjalankan tanggungjawab ubudiyyah dan khalifah Allah,
mana pegangan hidup,
yang mana satu?
jika adalah lidi lidi,
berseradak yang lama, yang baru,
yang bengkok menambah serabut, yang elok tegak mungkin terpatah.
tatkala mencari kefahaman,
kefahaman datang, iman menggagahkan diri,
namun insan biasa, kegoyahan iman menjadi lumrah.
berat sungguh,
berusaha untuk cinta,
mensucikan yang suci itu,
namun sendiri kecundang,
mana pergi justifikasi suatu masa dahulu,
sedikit demi sedikit melangkah,
tp kini banyak, banyak jatuh,
ke dalam kelopak air, berlumpur.
tatkala meniti hari yang sedia penuh dugaan,
mana sahabat, yang memahami,
rupanya tidak, oh, silap anggap,
berat sekali lagi menahan diri,
menelan kebatilannya,
menelan butir katanya,
menelan dosa,

Allah Maha Pengampun,
insyaAllah.

ingin mengasingkan diri,
orang terasing itu dipelihara Allah.mampu?
asing dari kamu, mampu?
asing dari sahabat, mampu?

bagaimana rasanya jika Allah asingkan aku, mahu?

pilihan di tangan sendiri,
namun hati terperosok memikirkan kamu yang saya sayang,
mampukah diri menerima keasingan kamu,
mampukah diri mengasingkan kamu?
sayang, terlampau sayang, mana akan di bawa sayang, jika tidak ke Syurga,
layak?

?

kalau kau aku yang punya,
adakah aku perlu risau kau pergi kpd yang lain? :(

guilty pleasure

i want to be the best for u.

and u, be the best for me.

building a future together, and what not.

we know which path we should take.

when. just when.

when can i live without craving for you.

when can i pass a second without wanting your attention.

oh, i am so complicating things.

how can i be this selfish for love, 

continuously wishing.inappropriately being charmed.

wishing for ur words,

missing ur voice,

caring for every single little thing u do,

im acting without care of the world, feeling so high with your presence.

oh, how badly i wish you're mine, only mine,

when will you be mine?

oh, how dreadful the hours without you,

when. just when.

when can i live without craving for you.

when can i pass a second without wanting you.

when oh when, can we make our way to our future, without the guilty pleasures.

kan?

bila hati pnuh dgn kasih syg,
hati bergetar, dgn ucapan kecil,
bagaimanalah mahu lepaskan perassan ini,
tatkala kebahagian abadi bagai dapat digapai.

...

days.

days of waiting and longing,
of vain and pain,
makes a heart stiff and lost,
feeling difficult,
and utterly despised of love itself.
but love remain,
being complicated,
and stubborn as a rock,
keeps on falling in the sea of emotions,
that being hit by the waves of life.
relieved that its not lost,
yet a thought that keeps in mind,
of what is learnt and mend,
makes the heart concerned,
makes the heart keeps in rewind,
of never ending memories,
and hoping it wont end.

dreams, dreams, dreams

dreaming of you and me,
while im wide awake,
often while im layin gon my bed,
wishing for nothing but you,
dreaming of you,
here,
mine.
dreaming of you,
while im riding in the car with friends,
wishing for nothing but you,
here, beside me,
mine.
dreaming of you,
while im wide awake,
while sitting and reading,
wishing your here on my lap,
here, so near,
mine.
yes, i dream of you all the time.
guilty as i am. i am a dreamer.
dreams.
dreams,
dreams, dreaming away, to a day,
where we're together and sway.

i miss you.

tercakap

i've been confronted with an hour and a half of things, things i can hardly remember now. -_-"
synthesizing..
its been hard for both parties.
both are trying to do their best.both are trying hard not to hurt each other.not to burden each other.
its hard when things are out of control, when one thinks one has done their best,
when it is a continuous effort of learning. learning about life. and each other.
now things piling up,
making a mountain of upsetting thoughts and feelings.
gosh. find a way. to get to the heart.
to clean up the mess. such a mess.
but never rush. dont push it aside. it just means more mess being made up.
little by little. i believe there will be a solution.

Azha, jangan baca!
AzhaaIland
15th Feb 2011 5.01 pm
Hyeeeeee~ U too, have a nice day k. Luv u dear :)
16th Feb 2011 6.28pm
hihi.. U too. Jage diri tuh. Jgn Nakal2 :P
Luv u baby :D
14th April 2011 11.37pm (this is when azha had just got beck from italy)
Hye dear :D
How u r doing?
Rindu aza? :x
14th April 2011 11.38
I'll count till 5. If u didnt reply my msg within 5 seconds, dat means u hv 2 skype with me 2nyte.
14th April 2011 11.38pm
Yeay, u r late. So, skype k mlm ni :D
Just kidding...
Juat wanna cheer u up. I guess u r quite upset with me :x
16th April 2011 7.03pm
Cheett. naughty gurl :D
I luv u very much dear.
So, take care k :x
28th April 2011 9.34 pm
Oh, of coz i miss u dear
Yeah, i miss my scary dear.
Ahahahah... Men2 jep, jgn mrah :x
Ela, ela katne? Td aza nmpak ela nyer skype on. Td la, skang da x on da.
3rd May 2011 2.44am
Ela, I LOVE YOU. i really am.
P/s: im not angry or anythin, just speechless.Sorie.
4th May 2011 3.30 am
Mlm ku rasakn sepi, jiwaku dilanda rindu, trbayg wajahmu,
rasa cinta berglora:)
-lirik lg, but i mean it.
5th May 2011 5.45 am
Hye my dear :)
I miss u lots. Miss me? Still half of mine? I luv u. Wish
u r with me now :x
10th May 2011 2.17 am
To: my luvly sis
Thanx kak. Adik syg akak. Syg sesgt :D
Luv u very much
:x
From: adik :p
12th May 2011 4.11 pm
Hye dear.... How u r doing?
Msti sronok an wat keje bakti :p
I miss u :x b careful k :D
Luv ya
21st May 2011 4.16pm
Hyeeee Sweetie :D
How r u? Wish u r epy n missing me always :x
love u n missg u.
23rd May 2011 2.53 pm
Luv lots jugak n rindu pon lots jugak :x
Tke care k dear :D
28th May 2011 3.48pm
:DDD (trlalu epy smpi x leh nk tutup mulut) hehe....
Ok, take cre dear. I luv u too. Luv u vry much actualy.
Aza saaaaaayang ela.Muah3.
Gosh, i miss u so much :x (on ur lips...ehehe)
03rd June 2011 4.09 am
Sy saaaaaangat sayang kamu :x
Oh, hati sy dpenuhi rase syg kpd kamu :)
06th June 2011 2.16 am
:DDD
I luv u vru much :x
So much dat i can go crazy if i keep thinkin abot it (ni bkn sentap k :p)
Ok, nyte dear.
Mimpi abg k
(hohoho)
...
malaysia.
:D
16th July 2011 2.38am
Aza agt suke ela ckp camtu, sgt sweet. Trharu.....
Ela.....aza pon rindu kat ela.....berharap ela de kat sblah aza, so i can look at u n hug u all da time.
Aza sgt2 suke tgk ela.
16th July 9.59pm
Rindu.rindu.rindu.rindu.
rindu.rindu.rindu.rindu.
rindu.rindu.rindu.rindu.
rindu.rindu.rindu.rindu.
rindu.rindu.rindu.rindu.
AMIRAH ADILAH, SAYA RINDU KAMU JUGE :D
Cinta.cinta.cinta.cinta.
cinta.cinta.cinta.cinta.
cinta.cinta.cinta.cinta.
cinta.cinta.cinta.cinta.
AMIRAH ADILAH, SAYA CINTA KAMU :D
17th July 2011 11.14am
Maaf, aza overeactd mlm td :(
ni nk g mur ngan mak,nk beli penapis air
23rd July 2011 11.19 pm
Hye dear... nga watpe? Sy sunguh rindu kamu
24th July 2011 08.59 pm
Ehehe..
Sy....sy.....rindu kamu juge. Rindu dgn byk skali

...
..
.
.
..
.
all the words u type, means a lot.
so, xsmpai hati nk delete trus without a trace,
therefore, here i keep it, more in my book.
keep them all, forever in my heart.

iman

Jika benar kamu mencintainya, bantulah dia pelihara Imannya...

O Allah the Most Merciful, make things easier for us to accept this change, to endure this hardship,
for all this for You, please.
grant us peace and tranquility, in our sickening hearts, cure us of all the disease,
O Allah, the keeper of all hearts, please, keep our love to you safe. alongside the love to our sisters and brothers.

its hard.

its hard to be apart,
its hard when i miss you so much yet my conscious mind take control,
i thought i'll be okay then, but the heart feels the pain.on and on and on and on.
its hard not to tell that i love you,
when the feelings overflowing so, and i did slip it out, just to make sure u know,
and not to let the love spill away and wasted,
its hard. when u can hardly say i love you too.

yes, i knew it would be hard on you too, yet never i knew it would make u hate me.
the thing i fear the most from all of this.

how can i, whom love you, truly love you, endure this hardship if this is the outcome?
syg, i love u.
hate me, but i wont blame u my dear.
leave me not.

maybe im too much. am i asking too much..i dont know. :( ... my dear,please,if u know better, tell me.
sakit.

kill me

how easily my heart gets hurt by simple little things u say, didn't say, do, didn't do.

my, how in love i am. i know. 

never did i fell so hard for someone to get this far,

never did i love someone this much,

never did i hold on to someone like this,

i swear.

i dont want this heart to ever change.

i embrace this feeling, this affection; love is a gift from God. 

alhamdulillah.

let us purify this gift of love. 

or to have this vulnerability, just kill me.

far far away

how far did we go, for love.
im so sure its love.
but why did i do so?
why stain spmething so pure?

in reflecting myself, my life, my love, my sins.
in reflecting my time, my soul, myself.

how far am i. going for things i wanted to do.
how far did i left my patience,
how far did i left my Islam,
how far did i left my knowledge.
how far did i fall, from tumbling on a stone,
now im deep in this ravine.
deep.


help. what should i do. what should we do.
O Allah. Help me.
. ...
astaghfirull al azim. astaghfirulah al azim.


we need to do something.tell me.

adam hawa

Kecantikan seorang lelaki bukan kepada rupa fizikal tetapi pada murni
rohani. Lelaki yang cantik adalah :-

1) Lelaki yang mampu mengalirkan air mata untuk ingatan.

2) Lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran.

3) Lelaki yang memberi madu, setelah menerima racun.

4) Lelaki yang tenang dan lapang dada.

5) Lelaki yang baik sangka.

6) Lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa.

Kecantikan lelaki berdiri di atas kemuliaan hati. Seluruh kecantikan Yang
Ada pada Nabi Muhammad adalah kecantikan yang sempurna seorang lelaki…

Dan dimana Kegagahan Wanita???

Kegagahan seorang wanita bukan kepada pejal otot badan, tetapi pada
kekuatan perasaan. Perempuan yang gagah adalah :-

1) Perempuan yang tahan menerima sebuah kehilangan.

2) Perempuan yang tidak takut pada kemiskinan.

3) Perempuan yang tabah menanggung kerinduan setelah ditinggalkan.

4) Perempuan yang tidak meminta-minta agar di penuhi segala keinginan.

Kegagahan perempuan berdiri di atas teguh iman. Seluruh kegagahan yang ada
pada Khadijah adalah kegagahan sempurna bagi seorang perempuan.

Sabda Rasulullah SAW :

“Sebarkanlah ajaranku walaupun satu ayat ” Surah Al-Ahzab : Ayat 71

“Nescaya Allah memperbaiki bagimu amalan-amalanmu dan mengampuni bagimu
dosa-dosamu. Dan barangsiapa mentaati Allah dan Rasul-Nya, maka
sesungguhnya ia telah mendapat kemenangan yang besar.”

birthday

its your birthday!
oh. now, its 20th already here,
shall i wait for your 20th to come?
oh. dillema.

kawan saya

oh, my dear, dear friend,
how deep have you fell,
in love, betrayal, and stupidity.
oh, how i wished things were different,
oh, how i wish i could make things different.
dont dare you say i didnt try,
but dear, how far can i try,
when a friend is just a friend,
coping to keep u content and keeping u away from danger,
when i myself is too, still unwise in this harsh world,
still shallow in experience, and wisdom.
but dear, become used to see and hear you weep, i became speechless, just as i were before,
knowing of the facts of your life,
it made me so numb and handle you like a glass,
like a glass, so fragile, so clear, so obvious,
yet u are tainted, as all humans are,
and now you are broken, so easily,
by the f**king jerk. damn.
so harsh, yet gently, he pushed you over,
watching you fall into pieces,
yes, i am to be blamed, as i am nowhere to help,
yet, y cant you see it is his doing, and yours,
blaming is not the answer, yet seeing the truth and swallow it,
is what you need,
the bitter truth is always sweeter than the lie you tell yourself,
never did it make you better, never.
now i say, what i cant say to you anymore,
for the frustration u gave,
the hurt will never be undone,
yes, who else know better about getting hurt than you.
so, you should know better.

the change

being apart,
i feel this gap between us two,
this high walls that is more than just distance,
taking note of the time difference,
the different things we do, the different things we see, the different places we are at,
and many tremendous other different things,
at some point drives me crazy, of trying to keep check of the changes,
drives me into agony, trying to handle the rapid changes,
and so i calm myself, calm my self,
telling myself, making me realize we still are the same,
loving each other, and maybe more or so,
oh, and the only thing i am able to do is missing you, oh so dearly.
helplessly,loving you, missing you. and pray.

hands

these hands in mine,
these miraculous hands, the hands im eager to hold,
the warm hands im eager to see, to hold, to feel,
the hands i wish to hold forever.
with a touch of one finger could set me trembling,
making me want to hold them, hoping to settle my heart,
settle these emotions,
so holding them  tight, feeling the presence,
feeling its real,
so i hold it closely, studying it with care,
and the thought struck me, as i feel the lines of veins,
streaming under its skin,
these hands are so blissful, would be able to help so many people,
oh, how i cherish these hands,
please,
let me embrace them for the rest of my life.

-024th sept-

agony

its agony. agony: Extreme physical or mental suffering, mentally emotionally suffering.
my, my, this is unhealthy. yet its true.
suffering. a word might be exaggerated.


waiting without knowing; reminds me of the many 'breakups' we had. making me think of 1001 possibilities of what might happen. keeping me hoping non stop, without a single decrease, if it is charted on a line graph.


its too much for me to handle.but i would die if it really is 'too much'.


now ur back, and yet so far,
the agony at its limit, burst out,
falling in the form of tear drops.
and now im crying, do u hear me now?
now im crying, can u please wipe these tears?
now im crying, u dont even know.


how exasperating,
missing u nonetheless.
loving u nonetheless.


end this. get a phone.

calm down

think back,
calm down,
its something new, yet u feel so familiar,
it may not be so,
calm down.

far far away.

yes, you are far away,
to be exact, app. 10,841 kilometer away,
so far, and in less than 24 hours, u are gone.
the apparent presence i felt a little time ago is still lingering,
yet the obvious emptiness falls upon me,
yes, im missing you,
im missing you too much to say,
wait,
i've been in this state a few months ago,
of this,
yet its killing me now,
its distinctive than this.
damn.
guess i've fallen harder.

i love you.

how easy these words flow,
as easy as raindrops fall to the ground,
so effortless.
how deep is the meaning,
as deep as the blue ocean,
so mysterious.
how fly the words are,
as the birds up in the sky,
so high.

oh dear, it is so hurtful when u dont trust me.
with the words i say, i mean it.
those words are so precious i must say.
and so it comes to mind about how less it might value when there is too much of it.
the more the less, people say.
so i kind of let my mind slip to the fact that there is no such thing as that.
nonsense.
how much i love the way you say i love you, i should have known it is to you too.

fear.
yes, when u love something too much, u'll end up with fear,a fear that can be too much to handle,
gosh, never thought that it would come to you,
now, now my love,
i wont say it if i dont mean it,
i wont mean it if its not true.
have faith, have trust,
im here, for you,
u too, always there for me.
aNd together we made it this far.
and together we love this much.
and together, we're twogether.
please, keep safe.

bahagia

oh. walking and watching you.
in person, sitting in front of me,
makes me overjoyed.
the feelings are not describable
there is something overflowing about it,
making me smile.

and when the day ends,
and i have to walk away,
it still feels like im walking on air,
still feeling like the hours spent are like dreams,
and the longing feeling to have longer hours with you,
come rushing in my heart and head,
making me wonder of the possibilities..

saya bahagia.
alhamdulillah.
please, be consistent. forever.

i am bound to think how far this will be.
this happiness. bahagia.
can it be any better?

thinking about it makes me cry.
yeah, im still in fear of loosing it.

..
one thing is clearer each day i wake up,
saya sayang kamu, muhammad saiful azhar.

first date

its my first daaate~ weee~
was sooo excited yet sooo nervous
its been such a long time.
hehe. im sorry coz my post might get quite a bit cheesy. it always were.
oh. seeing him. those long hairs makes me wanna pull them out :p,
those cute cheeks, make me wanna pinch em hard,
those hands, make me wanna hold em tight,
yet i was too damn chaotically high minded.
intoxicated by the love.
to even think of anything the first 6 hours. haha. even to talk to him i didnt dare to. gosh.
@_@ kyaa~

so and so.

i love you.

breath

im meeting my love today.
and i am truly,undoubtedly,totally nervous.
CUAK.
i feel really uneasy and annoyed with this feeling.
it makes me unable to do anything.
i can hardly breath properly.
and it makes my head dizzy @_@
meowww..

eager. fear. in love.

its weird how i feel like i wanna scream out loud that im in love and things are really,actually happening.
i finally realize that it is a human self assuring mechanism, to tell themselves that it is true, and its really,actually happening. and to keep away the fear of losing it anytime and cherishing at the meantime while it is still there.
happiness can be so fragile.it is fragile.
what happened before tells me that it is as fragile as a satin. and as pretty as satin. as soft as satin. as comfy as satin. yet fragile.
how vulnerable my emotions are, how cautious my thoughts are,
trying not to let it take over myself.
chill a bit.
calm down.
.....

an emotional state

feeling guilty, and densely ashamed of myself,
my foolishness, my ignorance, my childishness, my greed etc.etc.
rapt with your care, love and care,
i became chaotic with the urge of longing,
with the crowd of thoughts, ugly ones,
rushing into my head ruthlessly,
desperate and confused i became,
'im sorry to bother you,
yet i need you so'
always been an issue,
'i know you love me,
will you leave me."
always been my fear,
thou never did come across you,
damn.im wrecked.
wrecked, in a wrecked ship,
helplessly hoping i can swim,
gasping for air while choking in panic.

bangun tido dalam bas.

damn.

intoxicated with happiness

upon walking in the boulevard of dreams and love,
i find myself being intoxicated,
with happiness,
with love,
with you.
it feels like walking in the air,
smells of sweets and donuts, and waffle.
of love.again.
feeling overly joyed by the love i get, by the blessings i feel,
by the dreams i dream.

as the path seems clear, yet i am so troubled,
by the thoughts of ...hm. i dont know.
uncertainty, problems, lost, is this how far it will get..etc. gosh.
in short being happy is troubling in a way,
fussy i must say, crazy am i? gosh.
shooh!shush! go away ugly thoughts!

@_@ pening.

tulun..tulun...

the little things

the little things that are important,
but always remain the little things,
that remain unnoticed,
living it up till now, the little things gets bigger,
and how it matters most seems clearer.
and kept me saying,
alhamdulillah.

ramadhan

heee~ ramadhan~!
ramadhan away from home:(
its okay. im okay!
im fine:)
oh.maybe this is a chance for me to concentrate more on doing more ibadah.
i will.i wish.:)

drama queen

to think of the drama i had in my heart, im ashamed.teehee :p
ouh. n supposedly, i can see,little by little,
why im falling for you, falling deeper n deeper.
oh. i love you so much,
that it feels like it is never enough, the three words is just not enough,
to confess my love, to show how much i love you,
my gosh.
there should be a better way to show it.
hm.. by being a  better person maybeee?
yep. thats it. to be a better person.

wait

how long can a longing heart wait?

A DRAMA: needs and desires.

u r back from somewhere and is tired.
yet i miss you so much.
so i let my selfishness conquer me and kept you away from your sleep.
a sleep u need. but the desire to get your attention, the longing in my heart,
often at times i would smile yet it eventually turns to a grin, of evil guilt.
often at times i let my selfishness conquer me,
yet you are in your senses, i'm frustrated and i fall into deep, deep, deep frustration,
yet my selfishness turns the guilt to you inappropriately, which tells me that i am abandoned,
but its untrue. so the battle within me cause such chaotic event.
oh, the drama.
"cut!" wish someone could shout that to me before i jump into the ravine of deep grief.

where

where is it?.......

as the dark clouds roll into the sky,

the drizzling rain dampen the earth,

as the tears roll down,

the drops dampens the pillow.

oh, this longing heart of mine,

is it beating the way yours beating?

is yours hurt as mine too?

is yours longing of me?

maybe.maybe, a word of uncertainty.

oh, this speechless tongue of mine,

frozen in time, of guilt and lost,

of sorrow,

and i am falling,

falling into despondent.

i need a doctor.

shit

now i know, the hardest trial for a single muslimah is when her virginity, her purity, her dignity is  questioned.

APAKAH
apa arti menjaga hijab. menjaga diri.
ya, pasti ada kekhilafan. pasti ada salah.
xperlu lah menabur fitnah.
shit to you.
apa perlunya ak berbaik. sedang maruah dilanyak2. mmg kau ...(ok.sy x cukup ayat nk mencarut)
bila raja farah dlm wataknya di muvi aku masih dara wat announcement 'ya,ak masih dara' secara volunteer, mmg x rasa apa2. mmg dy thu perkara sbgitu mjadi persoalan.
me?
im not expecting this. i dont. never did i ever thought of this..
shit.
i should have expected the worst. well. it is an expectation.this is 'overwhelming'.
i feel like throwing away my big enormous veil and be the typical girls that people merely look at as they are common.typical.nothing more, nothing less.
yeah. i want to be those girls.
at least any mistakes i do wont be judged. since im not looked up on.
maybe.
but No.
x ada ujian yg diturunkan jika x mampu handle.
i MUST keep a hold of myself.
yes.
I AM ME. Watever shit ur saying about me is untrue, n it takes more than just words to bring me down.

translate

saya - i, me

mengkehendaki -require, demand

oh. its easy.

BUT ITS NOT.

it is driving me crazy~ oh.

BFF( kawan rapat selamanya KRS)

i have a friend. a dear one. gosh i love her.
but at times i cant help to feel bothered to hear her talk.
i cant say i dont have time or busy, i dont have the heart to ignore.
but when we talk i strive to keep focusing on what she's saying.
and i know its obvious she knows whats going on.
she knows it, but she endure it.
its hard for her as much as it is for me.
am i do not love her as i claim?
my gosh.
living a lie eh? nope. im just pretending.
its tiring.
but i guess this is the only way to keep this frenship.
oh. terrible me.
i cant help feeling bad about my self. and i kept on rationalizing every bad thoughts and doings.
urgh!! i hate this. i hope we will meet soon. coz seeing her always make me feel the bond.
oh. great.

lovelesspainful.

lonely. longing.
this is too much that im starting to feel that its unhealthy.
i find myself putting too much hope on him.
wishing hard he would do as i wish he would, to ease this longing feeling.
i wish so hard, but it stays a wish.
as they say, the higher it is, the harder it falls.
in  a way, i find myself in that position.
more to it, i keep on hoping and wishing over and over again.
the frustration, my,my. sometimes i feel like i can hardly cope with it.
and i know, im pushing it too far.
cant help it.
call me, i wanna say. text me. i wanna beg.
but wheres the sense if i demand for it to make it happen.
so i keep on wishing quietly.
damn. i wish ur not reading this post.
please,dont get me wrong.

rindu.

i found myself getting really attached to the person i love.
its agonizing.plainly painful.
the fact that we are not exactly together keeps the heart longing for connection.
which is found with communication.
and at times, the person is busy with life as a student, a son, etc.
deep understanding of how our lives are different is something i haven't had a hold on to.
or is it just me loosing control of the affection i have towards him.yeah,maybe.
whichever it is, i have to fix it.
since it cause such a pain in the ass.like hell.
so, i miss u.like crazy.

HH

helplessly hopeless.
feeling helpless about something is terrible.
being hopeless is like losing without fighting, and just as terrible.
it brings to a useless effort. that just bring me down.
is it just me being emotional. or these tears signifies something more.

fear

i cant stand watching love stories with bitter-sweet endings. i mean. what happened to plain, beutiful happy endings?
i hate it because i easily absorb them.
the classic; sad ending for the mom.the daughter..i cant remember but i cried like hell.
the notebook; they almost had a sad ending.they had quite some hard time parted but united in the end.then the lady went senile and forgets everything.
a moment to remember;again, amnesia? wth? y must the man suffer?? the girl can hardly remember to even feel pain. but she is clueless.i guess that would be very painfull. losing your memory is the same as loosing ur soul.
atonement; damn.the movie even made a twist by showing a happy ending, then telling it was fake.n then tells the sad ending it actually has.chett.
and others that i cant actually rmember the details.
but then i find myself feeling restless of the happiness i have.
and afraid, terrified of the sad ending that i think will fall upon us.
i wish and pray for a happy ending.
but i cant stop this feeling that my happiness is at stake, at risk and will be burnt to ashes.
ok. melampau.
but then, seeing my parent restlessly fight all day long makes me scared and fear of what will i become if we made it till we're old.
hm..
oh. i hope. i really hope we'll be together. AND HAPPY. please.

kira

satu, dua, tiga, empat, lima, enam, tujuh~!

bad lover

upon reaching a phase called in love, i come to wonder how do i love actually?
apparently, i'm not a good lover. a bad one.
apart being forgetful of things that be taken note, i dont put much effort to push away coming flirts,i have mood swings, etc.
heh.im a really bad one.
but coming to realize how much i love him, had tought myself to be better.
keep an honest heart,i must.
and i always find myself putting him first, especially when having some kind of emotional interruption or anythg dat matters. i must say its such an effort, especially for someone as self-conceited as myself. and im disappointed to say i failed at most of the times.terrible.
ok. suddenly i feel un-worthy to love.
but,i've gone this far to love someone, and to be loved back.its a miracle.
and i cant help to feel pain, a bad-ass pain in the heart to even think of not having the love i have.
i have this terrible aching when i dream about us, the pain of afraid not having the dream come true.
oh. why do love bring such pain.
maybe im not ready.oh. this is too much.
well, i guess thats the sense and pleasure of this whole thing.

my she friend and he friend

A friend and friend

My friend is in this deep frustration due to her loss in love. And LOVE is such a horrifying thing, cant blame her, it is.

My friend is in dilemma if her old close friend. Here, old is not in terms of age, but i mean time that they were together is way back in our 1^st semester-early 2^nd semester.  Things happen and they became distant from each other. I say old because i know they aren’t foes. Oh, both are my friend.

Now, having to work together as a team, my friend falls in reminiscent as she has such a queer and significant history with her old friend. It is hard, with the state if being vulnerable to love, my friend isn’t having an easy time confronting with the boyfriend of hers. But then, only now, she starts to confront with her problems with him, her old guilt and fights with him. Its painful, i can see, when u see little by little the things done and happened like someone flashing cards in front of your eyes.

For him, im trying to understand his thoughts and feelings. I believe he had come to too many things when he was with her. Feeling unappreciated and discarded, he has come to the state of feeling unable to accept what happened, and unconsciously, has made him unable to accept her anymore. Being afraid of repeating the history, he had come to ignore her and it is obvious to her.

This matter has come to be a big thing to me. Trying hard to actually defend their wrongful actions as an acceptable mistake and trying to tell them to accept and get over the past, is hard. Its hard. Im telling you, its hard L  both seems to not helping theiselves and falling deeper to the guilt they have.

SHE is being paranoid about it that every single little microscopic thing seems to magnify 100x to her eyes.

HE is being annoyed with the problem and taking things too lightly that it hurts her, and i know, it hurts him in a way too.

Ada x bnda buat awk terasa? .. ADA. AWK BUAT KWN SY NANGES. How can i say such a thing. He’s not doing it consciously. 

.

Dunia dan akhirat.

What is happiness if it bring sadness to others.

What is happiness if it only means loss in the after world.

Know what i mean?

But then, guess it cant be helped to choose a wrong path,

Since the road diverse in so many ways.

Still, hoping it will lead you to the right destination.

sorry,its already gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnNZYocqDQY

arshad sent lots and lots of songs. but never did i take time to listen. huh. bazir mase je.
but this one song, he never did dedic8 to me. guess he never did stumbled to this song. nevertheless, i think this song suits him. in a way.

on the bus

oh. how long a journey is.
i think the feeling of longing for the destination is what makes it longer.
but then, longing for someone afar is actually much agonizing, exasperating, yet gives this wondering feeling. that actually makes us happy in way.
apakah?
but then, having u beside me (kind of) makes me realize how i am loved, and u too, missing me always,
makes the wonder a wonderful feeling.
love is a wonder. making us ask question that actually didnt matter, but then, its what we long for. i love u.

i do

I DO

Above all expectations towards love, the ultimate hope is to live together forever, under the holy bond of nikah.

Yeah, even me having a traumatic experience on this matter do long for it.

Proposes come knocking on my door, waiting for me to say yes. My gosh, its hard to break their heart but i really don’t fond of the idea of being with them. pushing them away is all i do. I got to have the guts to reject them. i have to.

Theres one person i would truly loved to be united with, my dear azha. But then, i guess he’s the last person to want to marry me. even if he do talk about it, its in a joking manner. Well, we’re studying. How can i actually put this matter to consideration? I guess the proposes i get do get in my head. I keep it a secret thou. From mom especially. Afraid she’d actually consider to accept one of em. Haha.

I wish i can get married asap, so i don’t have to answer to any other men’s feelings. Its easier that way. But it cant be a reason to get married. I wish it can. Hm..

Well then, fate is in God’s hand. Pray for the best.

My God, please let me be with him. Please let him be my perfect half.

(7/5/2011)

[all the things u said]

(all the things u said) too.

Having to love someone in life can be a bless, or a mess.

Tears and laughter come at a time, and no ones to blame,

But only yourself for falling so easily. Easy huh? Is it?

Above all the options u have, turning to one person to actually put faith on him,

Hoping him to be the one. Is a  risk im taking.

Its not easy. The thoughts and expectations that comes in mind can be confusing,

building up fogs of disappointments, breaking the wall of trust and hope.

Giving my all isn’t a plan.

But giving in is all I can. It makes me not an inch better. But it makes me feel better.

I guess that’s ok.

Loving and missing that someone can be rather excruciating, especially when u are actually wondering whether he’s feeling the same or not, feeling that everything’s in vain is not at all pleasing.

So I guess being obviously craving for attention and love is not a sin here.

Makes him feel better, probably. Killing me silently, i guess. At least it kills my love for sure.

Oh no. I hope not.

Dear love, please hold on.

Please don’t, don’t make me wait? Its agonizing.

Please, don’t let me stray. Its irresponsible.

Please, don’t hurt me. its painful.

Please, show yourself. I beg of u.

Hm.. to think of such thoughts,does it proves that im selfish..? or it only shows my self-consciousness? Hey, aren’t they the same?

Dear love, please remember.

Everything got its price. Don’t let it overprice u and sweep all u got.

Everything got a limit. Don’t let urself push the last trigger to doom.

Everything got its time. Don’t let it flow till time’s up.

So do i.im someone, am i? I must have my own price, limit and time.

So do u. U mean a lot to me. how can i abandon u.

How can i not fall. Deeper. And deeper.

Xpe kot.

(7/5/2011)

silence is painful

damn.
u left and thats it.
coming back soon, u say.
but soon seems like forever.
when hoping to hear from you every second im awake,
but there's only silence.
harsh thoughts come in mind,
but the tender heart always keep holding on.
damn. i miss you.
feels like im living in a vacuum world that u cant hear me.
can u?

gone, to italy

what do they have in italy?
rome, venice, pisa.. etc.thats namely the place, whats in it would be much more wonderful, isnt it?
yeah. go italy and forget your loved ones.

the ME and 7 men

upon reaching a peaceful and serene moment as a SINGLE girl, the way the world moves around seems harsh on my little simple wish.
coming across people is fun, being friends is really great.
im with azha. i think. i love him. i think. he loves me.i think. gosh.he's far away in ireland. we always skype. but a night without skype would bring a tremendous gap between us. we often quarrel. mostly i guess because both miss each other too much. i thinK!
so i met this sports man, physically attractive, nice, quite caring thou a little tempered.oh, and he has this distinct laugh that will surely make u smile. he says he likes me. its not a bad thing thou. i kind of fond of his presence. he's nice. he is.
then here is my friend, i guy i would never talk to when i first met him in semester 1. but things change and always not like what they appear to be, i become friends with him. along bella and ayong and ter, we always go out together. so i can feel his weird fondness towards me. makes me puke i can tell u that! he's a friend.yep.he is.
n now meet youji, a 20 years old boy who's really into me since like few years back. and last time he counted, i rejected him four times already. he's a good friend, he is. always consistent in being the first one to help me anytime, anywhere. again, distance always come between us. he's a sailor. and always unreachable. but when he is, im one of the first person he'll contact. he's really sweet. really.
and now, meet up with the cafe guys. they are reaching their end of studying here with me. i work part time at the cafe n met them there. the two showed interest in me. 
and here, an insanely daring boy, 19 years old and now talking to me about marriage and coming to my house and set up a date for our 'marriage'. my gosh. typing about him gives me an unease feel. seriously, he's a nightmare. i love his dad and mom and family thou(which i met after about 30 hours knowing him) . yeah. i know, gila. but i guess he's too young for such thoughts that he's actually struggling to accept the fact. yeah. im  not doing any actions for his absurd and in a way, horrifying ways.
upon getting a proposal from this marry-me boy, my friend says his love for me, his 'i know i love u the first time we met' thing on me. and the cafe guys too, so sudden in saying their affection towards me. and the sports man, finding out of the marriage proposal, he eventually showed much understanding but it is killing him that he have to ask the same thing from me. damn.
here, me and SEVEN men. between love affection and commitment.
my fault is it. yeah, kalau terjun bangunan awal2 kan senang. x de pening diri sndiri and 7 orang ni.
:) penat.

Falling in and out of love

oh, the cute little thing keeps on running in my mind.
arent you exhausted? i am.
i am. trying to catch you.
now i am, chasing you away.
please, leave.
oh. ur too cute. too cute to forget.
maybe i can. i cannot dump you from my memory.
so i'll just let it be. and chasing you i may not.
oh. we were never meant to be.
so let it be.
i will just be here.
still admiring you, like a fool.

oh,u cute little thing~!

in the times of sorrow.
something pop on my monitor.
the cutest living person aged between 20-25y.o i've ever seen
i thought the presence of the face have the ability to make my day
but the grieve in me built up to a mountain.
horrible i am.

oh.none of u.

upon you i see none.

in me i feel none.

for words are so many i can read enough of.

worry not u said clear to me.

but never it is fair to me.

always it is take away my breath.

choking me.taking me down. 

can u not see my great grief.

.......

my heart is so full of sorrow

i will not let a drop of love to spill it

.......

i wonder how i come to thee

with absence of love or such

i may now say,

and u must not betray.

a love for thee corroded and gone,

by the acid of sin

swept away and gone,

by the sway of passion

n here i say,

i may not go near thee, 

for such thing repeating i shall not risk,

for the deep hole it took me

is not so bright.

here i say,

i havent say so recklessly 

when i say i love u no more.

i havent done so carelessly

when i walked away from u.

...

but the grief i behold had never wither,

when ur picking up the pieces,alone, and cut yourself,

and ur holding it, the broken glass, and cut yourself,

can u not see the pain u behold will never be away,

even u glued it up, 

and drink from it,u shall have the pain,

of drinking paticles of crystal,

and shall it bleed u inside out.

....

no i said.

time, u told me.

time?

how dare u say about time,

when ur not taking time to heal urself.

see the guilt i carry,

sometimes turns to annoyance of promises u utter.

chettt.banyak susah daa...

shit!i say to u! DAMN u for bringing me to this state of .....

Rain ...

 rain,
 drip drop from infinity
 spreading serenity
 and unfortunately for some
 it too, spreads anxiety


whats in the rain,
a symbol of tears
a symbol of blessings
a symbol of source

Rain is liquid precipitation, as opposed to non-liquid kinds of precipitation such as snow, hail and sleet (wikipedia)


what to do when its raining?
DOA~ اللَّهُمَّ صَيِّباً نَافِعاً Ya Allah,jadikan ia hujan yg memberi manfaat. 


o Allah, make this rain bring greater good.

NOtA UTK SAHABAT

oh. sentap tatkala ak tjatuh.

jatuh kah.atau sekadar tersungkur?

ada hati akn ku jaga,

ada kawan akn ku simpan.

tak keruan melihat kau.

xkeruan memikirkan salah.

ingin menyatakan justifikasi perbuatan salahku

namun tidak terjumpa kata2

adapun, harapan keatas diri utk mencari ketenangan dalam kekabutan ini

tidak ditemui. 

benar. ini aku membuktikan ak tak ulang silap.

salah cara ni.

benar.ini aku yg kuat daya ingin mengtahui

salah cara ni.

benar.ak bukan mentaqlid.

oh.salah menipu.

adapun keputusan dibuat dlm kekalutan.

tanpa kamu disisi utk menghentikan.

jgn dibeban atas kamu.

beban aku tanggung. bertambah melihat kau sayu.

muka tembok ini mohon kau doakan agar x hanyut.

jgn risau, usaha di pihakku ada,

bukan kau seorang berjuang,

kata nafsu disimpan

tidak membuai

hanya mahu mencari yg baik di dlm dia

jgn risau

percaya aku x hanyut spt sebelum

percaya aku x lalai spt sebelum

KNOCK SOME SENSE IN ME.

always.

sedang aku tahu ap yg benar salah, sedang diri ini lama berkurun mumaiyiz

tapi jiwa memberontak ingin tahu mungkin melonjak

ak x kata ak suka,

ak x kata ak mahu, 

namun ak tak menolak,

silap besar itu.

ak tak kata ak cinta,

namun senyap itu tanda setuju,

silap lagi itu.

adapun ap yg terlepas sudah lepas.

yg mahu dibuktikan ada di masa hadapan. 

jika saat terlampau kata atau tindakan tiba

pasti akhir segalanya di titik situ

mharap akhirnya indah,

mharap akhirnya ada kamu disisi.

itu sahaja.

thank you.

khalilah atiqah.wallahi, tidak pernah temu sahabat sebaik kamu, seindah kamu.

roaming n thinking in my head  of wat happened.

n come across my notes made of poems  i made during the heart-war.haha.

so i took an effort to copy n paste it here.

oh.

of all the hoping,

misery,

hoping,

those heart breaking moments,

i have come across.

now i am still searching for me. 

ME.

and having friends besides me.

i trust.

i need.

i want.

the right path im searching. 

i am still searching.

sometimes i made the wrong turn.

but there are signboards to help me show the way.

and theres a hand that guides me all the way.

thank you to you.

nevertheless.

this and that happened for some reasons.

look at the bright side.

alhamdulillah, masih ada sayang.

masih ada nyawa.

masih ada hidup.

masih ada iman.

jaga. jaga, jaga.

hati, iman, maruah.

still, roads diverse in countless ways,

choices made are made with blurred vision,

of lust, 

OH! hope wat hapend wont happened again.

Ahha . Monday, 10 January 2011 at 13:11

Dgn ini, penipuan besar ini diperlisankan, maka, adalah diharapkan kesannya tidak sebesar. benci memuncak di hati ini, istighfar dilafaz, dgn harapan rasa benci ditangkis. adalah impian syaitan melihat manusia berbalah sesama mereka. astaghfirullah al azim.. adakah ak telah memderi kemenangan di pihak syaitan durjana?. na'uzubillah. adapun senyum diukir meniup semangat di dalam diri. adapun, senyuman kalian menjadi cahaya matahari di hari2 suram. adapun, inilah manifestasi diri, yang timbul tenggelam dalam kecelaruan hati, bisikan syaitan, bisikan hati, yg mana diikut menjadi panduan hidup. doa di lafaz, dari hati yg keruh, harapan menggunung agar diri lemah di beri kekuatan dr Ilahi, diberi bimbingan dlm hidup yg sementara, utk mencari kebahagian sekali bekalan di akhirat.

The Blame Monster . Sunday, 09 January 2011

clueless in the depth of lies.

i lied, i know.

cant take it, im breathless.

cant walk away, im stuck.

cant cry, im emotionless.

cant say im sorry, coz its not my fault.

am i to blame when u wont hear i say no?

am i to blame when i wish for peace?

am i to blame when u let me go at the first place;

have u seen how broken i was?

have u seen the tears i cried?

have u seen our worried faces;

when we saw ur climbing higher to ur ego mountain,

at the same time we saw u falling deeper to the ravine of conceit,

and how disappointed we were

as we speak but u never listen,

as we listen but u never say,

as we try but u ran,

and we were the one whose in the bench.

and now i justify my lies, 

to be at the right place,

until the time come when i ll leave u the truth,

until the time come when i ll wake u up from your dreams,

until the time come when i ll walk away,

i hope u ll accept such wrongdoings

for such rightful reasons.

May Allah give u the strength to learn the truth as Allah gave me strength to face u.