fear

i cant stand watching love stories with bitter-sweet endings. i mean. what happened to plain, beutiful happy endings?
i hate it because i easily absorb them.
the classic; sad ending for the mom.the daughter..i cant remember but i cried like hell.
the notebook; they almost had a sad ending.they had quite some hard time parted but united in the end.then the lady went senile and forgets everything.
a moment to remember;again, amnesia? wth? y must the man suffer?? the girl can hardly remember to even feel pain. but she is clueless.i guess that would be very painfull. losing your memory is the same as loosing ur soul.
atonement; damn.the movie even made a twist by showing a happy ending, then telling it was fake.n then tells the sad ending it actually has.chett.
and others that i cant actually rmember the details.
but then i find myself feeling restless of the happiness i have.
and afraid, terrified of the sad ending that i think will fall upon us.
i wish and pray for a happy ending.
but i cant stop this feeling that my happiness is at stake, at risk and will be burnt to ashes.
ok. melampau.
but then, seeing my parent restlessly fight all day long makes me scared and fear of what will i become if we made it till we're old.
hm..
oh. i hope. i really hope we'll be together. AND HAPPY. please.

kira

satu, dua, tiga, empat, lima, enam, tujuh~!

bad lover

upon reaching a phase called in love, i come to wonder how do i love actually?
apparently, i'm not a good lover. a bad one.
apart being forgetful of things that be taken note, i dont put much effort to push away coming flirts,i have mood swings, etc.
heh.im a really bad one.
but coming to realize how much i love him, had tought myself to be better.
keep an honest heart,i must.
and i always find myself putting him first, especially when having some kind of emotional interruption or anythg dat matters. i must say its such an effort, especially for someone as self-conceited as myself. and im disappointed to say i failed at most of the times.terrible.
ok. suddenly i feel un-worthy to love.
but,i've gone this far to love someone, and to be loved back.its a miracle.
and i cant help to feel pain, a bad-ass pain in the heart to even think of not having the love i have.
i have this terrible aching when i dream about us, the pain of afraid not having the dream come true.
oh. why do love bring such pain.
maybe im not ready.oh. this is too much.
well, i guess thats the sense and pleasure of this whole thing.

my she friend and he friend

A friend and friend

My friend is in this deep frustration due to her loss in love. And LOVE is such a horrifying thing, cant blame her, it is.

My friend is in dilemma if her old close friend. Here, old is not in terms of age, but i mean time that they were together is way back in our 1^st semester-early 2^nd semester.  Things happen and they became distant from each other. I say old because i know they aren’t foes. Oh, both are my friend.

Now, having to work together as a team, my friend falls in reminiscent as she has such a queer and significant history with her old friend. It is hard, with the state if being vulnerable to love, my friend isn’t having an easy time confronting with the boyfriend of hers. But then, only now, she starts to confront with her problems with him, her old guilt and fights with him. Its painful, i can see, when u see little by little the things done and happened like someone flashing cards in front of your eyes.

For him, im trying to understand his thoughts and feelings. I believe he had come to too many things when he was with her. Feeling unappreciated and discarded, he has come to the state of feeling unable to accept what happened, and unconsciously, has made him unable to accept her anymore. Being afraid of repeating the history, he had come to ignore her and it is obvious to her.

This matter has come to be a big thing to me. Trying hard to actually defend their wrongful actions as an acceptable mistake and trying to tell them to accept and get over the past, is hard. Its hard. Im telling you, its hard L  both seems to not helping theiselves and falling deeper to the guilt they have.

SHE is being paranoid about it that every single little microscopic thing seems to magnify 100x to her eyes.

HE is being annoyed with the problem and taking things too lightly that it hurts her, and i know, it hurts him in a way too.

Ada x bnda buat awk terasa? .. ADA. AWK BUAT KWN SY NANGES. How can i say such a thing. He’s not doing it consciously. 

.

Dunia dan akhirat.

What is happiness if it bring sadness to others.

What is happiness if it only means loss in the after world.

Know what i mean?

But then, guess it cant be helped to choose a wrong path,

Since the road diverse in so many ways.

Still, hoping it will lead you to the right destination.

sorry,its already gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnNZYocqDQY

arshad sent lots and lots of songs. but never did i take time to listen. huh. bazir mase je.
but this one song, he never did dedic8 to me. guess he never did stumbled to this song. nevertheless, i think this song suits him. in a way.

on the bus

oh. how long a journey is.
i think the feeling of longing for the destination is what makes it longer.
but then, longing for someone afar is actually much agonizing, exasperating, yet gives this wondering feeling. that actually makes us happy in way.
apakah?
but then, having u beside me (kind of) makes me realize how i am loved, and u too, missing me always,
makes the wonder a wonderful feeling.
love is a wonder. making us ask question that actually didnt matter, but then, its what we long for. i love u.

i do

I DO

Above all expectations towards love, the ultimate hope is to live together forever, under the holy bond of nikah.

Yeah, even me having a traumatic experience on this matter do long for it.

Proposes come knocking on my door, waiting for me to say yes. My gosh, its hard to break their heart but i really don’t fond of the idea of being with them. pushing them away is all i do. I got to have the guts to reject them. i have to.

Theres one person i would truly loved to be united with, my dear azha. But then, i guess he’s the last person to want to marry me. even if he do talk about it, its in a joking manner. Well, we’re studying. How can i actually put this matter to consideration? I guess the proposes i get do get in my head. I keep it a secret thou. From mom especially. Afraid she’d actually consider to accept one of em. Haha.

I wish i can get married asap, so i don’t have to answer to any other men’s feelings. Its easier that way. But it cant be a reason to get married. I wish it can. Hm..

Well then, fate is in God’s hand. Pray for the best.

My God, please let me be with him. Please let him be my perfect half.

(7/5/2011)

[all the things u said]

(all the things u said) too.

Having to love someone in life can be a bless, or a mess.

Tears and laughter come at a time, and no ones to blame,

But only yourself for falling so easily. Easy huh? Is it?

Above all the options u have, turning to one person to actually put faith on him,

Hoping him to be the one. Is a  risk im taking.

Its not easy. The thoughts and expectations that comes in mind can be confusing,

building up fogs of disappointments, breaking the wall of trust and hope.

Giving my all isn’t a plan.

But giving in is all I can. It makes me not an inch better. But it makes me feel better.

I guess that’s ok.

Loving and missing that someone can be rather excruciating, especially when u are actually wondering whether he’s feeling the same or not, feeling that everything’s in vain is not at all pleasing.

So I guess being obviously craving for attention and love is not a sin here.

Makes him feel better, probably. Killing me silently, i guess. At least it kills my love for sure.

Oh no. I hope not.

Dear love, please hold on.

Please don’t, don’t make me wait? Its agonizing.

Please, don’t let me stray. Its irresponsible.

Please, don’t hurt me. its painful.

Please, show yourself. I beg of u.

Hm.. to think of such thoughts,does it proves that im selfish..? or it only shows my self-consciousness? Hey, aren’t they the same?

Dear love, please remember.

Everything got its price. Don’t let it overprice u and sweep all u got.

Everything got a limit. Don’t let urself push the last trigger to doom.

Everything got its time. Don’t let it flow till time’s up.

So do i.im someone, am i? I must have my own price, limit and time.

So do u. U mean a lot to me. how can i abandon u.

How can i not fall. Deeper. And deeper.

Xpe kot.

(7/5/2011)