shit

now i know, the hardest trial for a single muslimah is when her virginity, her purity, her dignity is  questioned.

APAKAH
apa arti menjaga hijab. menjaga diri.
ya, pasti ada kekhilafan. pasti ada salah.
xperlu lah menabur fitnah.
shit to you.
apa perlunya ak berbaik. sedang maruah dilanyak2. mmg kau ...(ok.sy x cukup ayat nk mencarut)
bila raja farah dlm wataknya di muvi aku masih dara wat announcement 'ya,ak masih dara' secara volunteer, mmg x rasa apa2. mmg dy thu perkara sbgitu mjadi persoalan.
me?
im not expecting this. i dont. never did i ever thought of this..
shit.
i should have expected the worst. well. it is an expectation.this is 'overwhelming'.
i feel like throwing away my big enormous veil and be the typical girls that people merely look at as they are common.typical.nothing more, nothing less.
yeah. i want to be those girls.
at least any mistakes i do wont be judged. since im not looked up on.
maybe.
but No.
x ada ujian yg diturunkan jika x mampu handle.
i MUST keep a hold of myself.
yes.
I AM ME. Watever shit ur saying about me is untrue, n it takes more than just words to bring me down.

translate

saya - i, me

mengkehendaki -require, demand

oh. its easy.

BUT ITS NOT.

it is driving me crazy~ oh.

BFF( kawan rapat selamanya KRS)

i have a friend. a dear one. gosh i love her.
but at times i cant help to feel bothered to hear her talk.
i cant say i dont have time or busy, i dont have the heart to ignore.
but when we talk i strive to keep focusing on what she's saying.
and i know its obvious she knows whats going on.
she knows it, but she endure it.
its hard for her as much as it is for me.
am i do not love her as i claim?
my gosh.
living a lie eh? nope. im just pretending.
its tiring.
but i guess this is the only way to keep this frenship.
oh. terrible me.
i cant help feeling bad about my self. and i kept on rationalizing every bad thoughts and doings.
urgh!! i hate this. i hope we will meet soon. coz seeing her always make me feel the bond.
oh. great.

lovelesspainful.

lonely. longing.
this is too much that im starting to feel that its unhealthy.
i find myself putting too much hope on him.
wishing hard he would do as i wish he would, to ease this longing feeling.
i wish so hard, but it stays a wish.
as they say, the higher it is, the harder it falls.
in  a way, i find myself in that position.
more to it, i keep on hoping and wishing over and over again.
the frustration, my,my. sometimes i feel like i can hardly cope with it.
and i know, im pushing it too far.
cant help it.
call me, i wanna say. text me. i wanna beg.
but wheres the sense if i demand for it to make it happen.
so i keep on wishing quietly.
damn. i wish ur not reading this post.
please,dont get me wrong.

rindu.

i found myself getting really attached to the person i love.
its agonizing.plainly painful.
the fact that we are not exactly together keeps the heart longing for connection.
which is found with communication.
and at times, the person is busy with life as a student, a son, etc.
deep understanding of how our lives are different is something i haven't had a hold on to.
or is it just me loosing control of the affection i have towards him.yeah,maybe.
whichever it is, i have to fix it.
since it cause such a pain in the ass.like hell.
so, i miss u.like crazy.

HH

helplessly hopeless.
feeling helpless about something is terrible.
being hopeless is like losing without fighting, and just as terrible.
it brings to a useless effort. that just bring me down.
is it just me being emotional. or these tears signifies something more.