..gone.

Will you be my friend again,

Will you smile at me again,

Will you say hello to me again,

O, dear love.

Can I hold you one more time,

Can we talk one last time,

Can I see you once more,

O, dear love.

But of course, I am more than know,

Of the unchangeable two-word answer.

..............................

O, beautiful soul, nowhere to be found,

I feel empty of your absence,

Yet I’m filled with memories,

Running in my mind,

unreachable, unchaseable.

Now you are the sand in my hand,

sipping its way through my fingers,

and blown by the wind,

back to where each grain belongs,

on the outstretched beach,

so are you O friend, returned,

Where you eternally stay and so I pray,

for you, and solemnly wait for my turn.           

paint

let's paint our picture
got my hands messy with colours
i choose red for it is the blood,
i choose blue for it is the sky,
i choose green for it is the buds,
i choose brown for it is the ground,
i choose gold for it is the sun,
i choose turquoise for it is the sea,
i choose fuschia for it is the flower,

(the blood that runs, so vital, so beautiful, so red,
the sky so high, so far, so harmonious, so blue,
the buds so young, striving, so green,
the ground so stable, so solid,
the sun so bright, so bedazzling, so blinding, so gold,
the sea so deep, so vast, so enchanting,
the flower so pretty, so soft, so fuschia)

so i am here, with the canvas so white,
for i dont know what should be of us,
what will be of us,
but i do wish of all.

alhamdulillah.

indah?

aren't we stepping to a new stage?

is it too steep for us?

stepping cautiously, i am completely fearful,

stepping so slowly, the changes appear vague,

and sometimes i question, is it uncertainty that im in?

no, i believe its just solely my fears, 

and ignorance, and my stupid self-defence,

of whats ahead, of what i might do,

afraid of loosing myself, afraid of loosing you,

afraid of whatever is scary.

now, now, be calm,

and look of the wonderful future, of hope,

some of certain hope,

look at the wonderful emtions,

of care, and share, of love,

have faith,

and everything will be fine.

now.

whats happening?

.......................................

the utter clueless-ness im in,

the concrete fear im in,

the exact nightmare im in,

the pure silence,

save me.

do i still have the right to ask for such a thing?

please, (does this buy the ticket?)

please save us.

its been long since i feel this endless vulnerability,
pecking my heart ruthlessly,
as the heart works where mind cannot interfere,
emotions tremble, as i am
feeling afraid, taken aback by it, i cant say im strong,
and i know im too afraid to loose,
these tears cant compare to the fears i face,
just to lighten things a bit,
as if tears flow out with the fears and vanish as it vaporise,
as things build up,
things; insecurity, insecurity, fear, love.
these tears flow as it will,
knowing of not the actual reason it exist,
but only to know,
that im lost. lost. i know.

RR113316562MY

the cat in the drain

one moonlit night,
she walks back home, after a drink with a friend, they walk home together,
and there are two girls besides the road, looking down in the drain.
there are cats in the drain, they proclaim. as she walks nearer
and finds out, there is no cats, there are kittens, three little kittens,
alone in the drain, 
little creatures so fragile, vulnerable, small, furry creatures.
she squat to take a closer look,
poor little kittens, left in the drain, with their mother nowhere to see,
and says the other girl, they have been there for days, wailing and crying
but no mother would claim them,
so pity the kittens, left in the drain, all the cold night they are waiting,
trapped in drain, for their eyes cannot be opened,
for their hands are too weak,
for their claws are not yet strong,
for they know not of the wide world awaits,
yet they wail and cry, for attention, of their mother and what not.
so the girls put them in a box, where they can be kept away from harm,
in a brown little box,
now they are kittens in a brown box.

apology

times i heard people say the word maaf@sorry etc,
and never can i say yes, i forgive you.
often i think "who am i to say that?"
to accept one's apology and what more to forgive someone?
who am i to do so?
forgiveness is not in my hands,
im just a
another worthless human being who did countless mistakes.
or
im just being too stubborn to let it go?
maybe both.
just my manifestation to feel good about myself.
my, human beings are so complicated.
oh my, tragedy.

yet, if forgiveness is necessary, i should take note and remember,


Who spend [in the cause of Allah ] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good; ('Ali 'Imran: 134)